


Heartbreaker

by Ruquas



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Relationship Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26265049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruquas/pseuds/Ruquas
Summary: Everything was perfect. At least until Bucky opened his mouth and reminded Steve that he forgot to tell Tony something.
Relationships: Steve Rogers/Howard Stark (past), Steve Rogers/Tony Stark
Comments: 19
Kudos: 159





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to Ralsbecket for looking over it <3
> 
> This fic is finished and will be updated weekly if nothing comes in between.

They started… rocky.

There was no other word for it.

Steve didn’t know what to make of Tony, a man that seemed bigger than life and ever flashier, with a reputation that even Steve knew within three days of being awake.

And then, there was the fact that Tony was everything Howard wasn’t. Hadn’t been. Still, the father and son were so much alike, it freaked him out a bit.

It took Steve and Tony nearly dying to sort out that they needed to see each other as new people, not as the person they remembered or read about. It took them both even longer to admit that there were just a few topics that neither of them should touch with a stick.

But when they first kissed, it was perfect. As if Steve had been waiting his whole life for it and still not knowing that it was an option.

It was almost kitschy, but it got better. Even if it was again a bit rocky when they found Bucky, who eventually agreed to live in the tower. By then Steve and Tony had been through enough to work through it.

It was perfect. At least until Bucky asked jokingly; “You sure do have a thing for Stark men, don’t you, Stevie? Does that count as an incest fetish somehow, or just as a weird coincidence?”

And that was the point where Steve realized that he’s never talked to Tony about Howard. But not just about Howard, but about _Howard and Steve._.

Tony’s shattered look just confirmed that.

~*~*~

They started rocky. Well, even rockier than Tony was used to. And Tony was used to a lot of things that were ‘rocky’.

Mainly, because they didn’t like each other. Which wasn’t that surprising because Steve expected Howard, or, well, a version of Howard that Tony never met and Tony expected the Captain America that he idolized as a boy.

It took one alien invasion and a nuclear bomb to make them _talk_. To make them realize that they needed to restart. That they need to get to know each other as Steve and Tony, not as Captain America and Iron Man or son of Howard Stark.

It was difficult. There were things they didn’t talk about because mainly one of them would flip. But when Steve kissed Tony for the first time, everything seemed to be easy. Or at least easier.

It didn’t stay easy, because good things never were easy. And it took them a long time to work around Bucky, to figure everything out, and for Tony to get it into his head that Bucky and Steve were never _Bucky and Steve_ and didn’t intend to be.

It was perfect. At least until Bucky asked one morning completely out of the blue;

“You sure have a thing for Stark men, do you Stevie? Does that already count as an incest fetish somehow or just as a weird coincidence?”

Tony could’ve sworn a bomb detonated next to him. Everything was just… silent and too loud at the same time.

It _had_ been easy. And wonderful. Almost perfect. Tony should’ve known that it wasn’t going to last. That he didn’t get to have something like that.

He should’ve known that he was nothing more than a handy replacement.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve had been trying to find Tony for the last three days because he had just disappeared. Steve couldn’t even blame him. Hell, Steve would have probably…. Okay, no, he wouldn’t have done the same. But then again, Tony wasn’t Steve. Tony was used to sitting something out, to ignoring private battles until they went away because a fight could always reflect negatively if the press caught wind of it. 

Most people wouldn’t think Tony Stark was a patient man, but Steve knew otherwise. 

By day five, Bucky had apologized to Steve after someone explained to him that, no, it wasn’t common knowledge that Steve Rogers had been in a relationship with Howard Stark.

By day eight, Clint had finally agreed to help Steve, at least telling him that Tony was still in the tower and, yes, in fact, he hadn’t left. But nothing else.

“Could you please, at lea….”

“No.”

Steve rarely saw Clint that serious. In fact, he doubted that many people had ever seen Clint that serious. Most days, it was easy to forget that Clint was a killer, just as dangerous as Natasha, if not more and not just her sidekick.

Today wasn’t one of those days.

“I just need to talk to him.”

“Oh. Really? What about, Rogers? I am not the delivery boy here. Sort that out for yourself.”

In the end, it took Steve twelve days and begging Bruce for a favour before he finally was allowed into the workshop, knowing that if Tony showed him the door, then he would gladly go. He probably wouldn’t stop and he would probably break, but he would go.

That didn’t change the fact that Steve was now standing in the doorway, watching Tony tinkering away on something, giving Dum-E a pet sometimes in between.

“What is it, Bruce?” Tony finally said without looking up, and Steve felt as if he needed to throw up.

This was Tony’s safe space, and he was intruding.

“Not Bruce. Sorry to disappoint… Can we still talk?”

Tony’s head whipped up, staring at Steve as if he couldn’t believe that he was standing there.

And continued to stare at Steve, then at Dum-E, and then at something else. Trying to avoid Steve, still not saying something.

“Okay. I… understand,” Steve murmured, feeling as if he had a lump in his throat.

“I just wanted… well, to be honest, I don’t know what I wanted. I am sorry for not telling you, because that was originally my plan. And then it somehow slipped and you can’t believe how sorry I am for that and… I understand why that doesn’t matter anymore.”, Steve finally got out, feeling as if he had swallowed shards.

“Can I still leave something? I bought it for you anyway, and I think it… it doesn’t matter what I think. I’ll go, don’t worry. I love you.” Steve said, voice getting quieter until he himself was almost unable to hear it.

He pulled the box out of his trouser, the box he had been carrying with him for weeks before Bucky had just opened his mouth and talked, and put it on a shelf next to the door.

Steve looked at Tony a last time, who was just staring at the box, before he turned around. Maybe he was lucky and Tony wouldn’t just throw it away.

~*~*~

Tony hid in his workshop on day two after Steve tried to talk to him. Tony didn’t want to listen to Steve, didn’t want to hear that he was just… a replacement for something Steve couldn’t have. Not really. Not anymore.

He didn’t want to get compared to Howard. Especially not in things like sex. Or how he was in private. Not from Steve. Not from the man Tony had seen himself settling with. Slowly, but maybe, one day.

Of course, this wasn’t happening now. It was okay. It just hurt. But the hurt would go away. Tony already knew that game. Give it a week or maybe three.

Maybe a bit longer, because he had thrown out all the alcohol.

But sooner or later, it would only be a dull pain, and that was a thing he could live with; he knew that from experience.

On day four, Bucky somehow found a way into the workshop, looking guilty and like he hadn’t slept in ages. Tony knew that look from the mirror.

“I’m sorry I stuck my foot into my mouth. I thought you knew. And I didn’t mean it like that. He cares about you. Probably loves you, I don’t know. He’s not talking to me about those things, never did. It would be nice if you wouldn’t punish him for my mistake.”

“Which one, Barnes? Did you sleep with my father as well?”

Tony knew it was unnecessarily harsh, but Barnes didn’t even look flustered.

“No. Not my type, actually.”

After that, Tony ordered JARVIS to keep everyone but Bruce out and to keep radio silence. Tony needed to think and he needed to do it alone, without any interruptions.

On day nine, Clint was sitting on the couch in the workshop, playing fetch with Dum-E, pretending that he came through the door that they both knew was locked.

“He’s looking for you, you know? Pretty devastated, your boy.”

“He’s not my boy. Obviously.”

Clint snorted but didn’t answer, which was nice. When Tony looked up again after Dum-E poked him with the ball, Clint was gone.

On day ten, Bruce told him that Steve asked to let him into the workshop. Tony just shrugged, wishing for the first time in a long time for alcohol.

“It would be good to talk. Even if nothing comes out of it.”

Tony didn’t answer. What would they talk about? How Howard had been in bed? How Tony wasn’t like Howard? How Steve knew that Tony would never be his father, but that he wasn’t picky? 

Tony wasn’t a stupid man. He _knew_ that his father had been young, once. He knew what his mother told him about Howard, charming and carefree, and Tony could see how people could connect that to him. Just like the genius or the workaholic. Or, in the end, the alcohol.

He didn’t want to be like his father, but he had always known that it wouldn’t change that he was more similar to Howard than both of them had ever wanted to be.

That didn’t change the fact that Tony was surprised when Steve stood there on day twelve, looking perfect and tired and sad, and Tony just wanted to make everything go away. Just barely listening to whatever Steve said because his brain had just shut off.

“Okay. I… understand.” Steve said suddenly, looking defeated, and that was _wrong_. Steve Rogers never looked defeated.

“I just wanted… well, to be honest, I don’t know what I wanted. I am sorry for not telling you, because that was originally my plan. And then it somehow slipped and you can’t believe how sorry I am for that and… I understand why that doesn’t matter anymore.” Steve said and Tony… didn’t know what to say. What to do. What to feel. He wanted to yell at Steve. Wanted to scream and throw something. But then, he wasn’t his father. And Steve hadn’t broken anything important. Heartbreak wasn’t a real thing.

“Can I still leave something? I bought it for you anyway, and I think it… it doesn’t matter what I think. I’ll go, don’t worry. I love you.” Steve said, his voice almost too quiet to hear it while pulling something out of his pants, placing it on a shelf. 

Tony stared at the box, barely registering Steve walking away.

Only when Dum-E brought him the box, only when Tony opened it and in fact found a ring, his brain started up again.

“Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck!” Tony yelled and pocketed the box, not being able to look at it, not being able to throw it into the trash like he should.

It took Tony another thirty minutes before running out of the workshop, because fuck it, he had never known what was good for him.


	3. Chapter 3

Steve hastily looked around the… _Tony’s_ floor. There were still things that belonged to him, but those were things he couldn’t carry right now. He had already packed two bags and… well, Steve didn’t really own that much to start with. And everything that was left were things that he could live without, if Tony decided to throw them out instead of sending them to SHIELD. Which he would probably do, because Steve knew that he fucked up and he would deserve it.

His gaze landed on a sketchbook, filled with sketches of Tony. Private sketches, some even of the dirty kind. Steve still put it into his bag because he wanted to have something to remind him of Tony. Sure, he had some photos, but mostly they were for the press or with the team… rarely only the two of them.

Steve put his card next to the letter he wrote to Tony and slowly walked to the lift, thankful that JARVIS just opened the doors without asking. Not anymore, not after Steve asked JARVIS to stop if he would be certain that he wouldn’t come back.

Steve wasn’t an idiot, no matter what the world thought of him. And he would certainly not ask Tony to just… keep him in the tower to prove a point. Because it was Tony’s home to start with and if he was lucky, they could work together without an issue some day.

When he came out of the building, there was already a car waiting that practically screamed SHIELD.

He didn’t know the driver and didn’t try to engage in any smalltalk. He just wasn’t in the mood to be the poster boy. Not today.

~*~*~

Steve wasn’t there.

That was the first thing Tony realized when he looked around their floor. The next thing he noticed was how empty it felt, and only after a few more seconds Tony realized that it was because most of Steve’s things were missing. Not everything. There were a few clothes still laying around, books, a few sketchbooks and pencils.

And his chip card right on the table.

Tony just slumped down in a chair, staring at it. Feeling a few tears rising, not knowing what to do.

God, he was tired. So terribly tired and he didn’t know what to think anymore.

Then he saw the letter. It was just a single paper, but tightly written on with Steve’s handwriting and Tony… didn’t know if he wanted to read that.

_Dear Tony,_

_I don’t know where to begin or even how to begin._

_The most important thing I need to tell you is that I am sorry._

_I am sorry for just leaving, but I think it’s better this way. This way you won’t have to pretend that you are fine and you won’t have to make a decision how to proceed while you don’t want to._

_I am sorry for not telling you about me and your father._

_I am sorry for everything that went wrong the last few days._

_I know that I can’t make up for it. Not really. I don’t even know if I want to turn back time, because that would mean that I will hurt you again._

_To take any doubt away, yes, I was in a relationship with Howard. That was actually partially the reason I was so surprised to meet you. To realize that you exist._

_I am aware that you got to know a different Howard than I did. And for a long time, I resented you for that. Because I couldn’t grasp that the man I once knew became an abusive alcoholic. I am also aware that the press made a lot of things up and that I will never truly know what happened to Howard, how he raised you, or anything on that matter._

_The man I met was excited for almost everything. He loved what he did, loved science and the future and couldn’t wait for it to happen, always convinced that one day everything would be better. Not perfect, not an utopia, but better._

_He didn’t think that people could change or that you could change your own fate. That your way was already paved when you were born. He told me that this was the reason he could never have kids. He doubted that he would be any good at it. Quite the opposite, he was convinced that he would turn into his own father - which he probably did, in the end, at least in some way, and I am truly sorry for that._

_And as much as I know that this doesn’t excuse one single thing - he wasn’t cut out to be a parent. He once said that there were three types of people: People who would be good parents, people who would be bad parents, and people who just weren’t made for being a parent. Howard fell into the last category, and up to this day I am truly astonished that your mother made him want to change. I am glad she did, because if she didn’t, then I wouldn’t have met you._

_It was a punch in the gut, getting to know you because no matter how different you are from Howard, it’s almost frightening. The way you talk with your whole body, the way your face lights up when you see something you can’t understand - it’s quite similar. And in the beginning, it was difficult to understand this and took me longer than I’d like to admit._

_But when I finally came around, when I finally saw you just for you and could separate the two of you, I saw someone who was brilliant and wonderful. Someone who would risk everything to help those he cared for. Someone who would rather build something new than buy it and make it better. Someone who wanted to change the world, believing that one day, we could have at least something close to peace._

_I also found someone with humor I came to love. The way you talk, the way you act. Even on those days where I just want to throw you out of a window, I started to love you on any of them._

_Everyday I thought that I would need to tell you about Howard. Until I forgot, because no matter how similar you are, after getting to know you, falling in love with you, being allowed to be with you, you two drifted apart even more. And then Howard was just a lover in the past and I forgot how this could be relevant to you._

_This is not an excuse for me not telling you. It’s not even a good explanation and I understand if you don’t want to have me in your life anymore, but I needed to say this._

_Whatever you decide, please remember that I love you._

_\- Steve_


	4. Chapter 4

The days at SHIELD were, as predicted, a mixture between boring and living hell.

Recruits gawked at him, other’s whispered behind his back. 

Training was difficult because there wasn’t really anyone who could come close except for a woman named Melinda, and Coulson, who obviously wasn’t as dead as most of them had thought.

He missed Tony. He missed Tony’s companionship, the way he smiled and laughed and rambled about something. The way Tony smelled. Steve missed having Tony in his arms.

Even after two weeks, he still woke up searching for Tony, remembering a few seconds later that he himself made it so Tony wasn’t here.

The knock on his door on day seventeen was surprising. Even more surprising was the fact that Tony was standing there, looking like death warmed over. 

“Tony!” Steve said, hating himself a bit for how much better he felt just looking at the engineer. 

“We need to talk. Now,” Tony said, already pushing into the room without an invitation and Steve swallowed. So, no mission.

“Are you sure? I mean, we…”

“ _You_ don’t get to make that decision, Rogers,” Tony replied, almost yelling.

“You don’t get to say what hurts me or to… guilt trip me into feeling something you want me to feel or anything like that.”

Steve swallowed and closed the door.

“I didn’t want to guilt trip you, Tony. I never.:.”

“And I never wanted to hear about you fucking my dad. So, shit happens. It wasn’t me that lefta fucking ring in the lab after my best friend dropped a random bit of information that my boyfriend should’ve known, even as a fucking side note,” Tony said, getting louder and louder until he was screaming. “It wasn’t me who ran away from everything, putting my chip card on the table and a fucking letter. So, it’s not _me_ who has to explain things, so shut up with what you want and fucking _talk_!” 

Steve blinked and then nodded. That, at least, he owed to Tony.

~*~*~

Tony had a headache. He was hungover, and he hadn’t slept in probably four days. Maybe a nap in between, he couldn’t remember. And Steve was standing there, looking perfect, and Tony wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms, to take a deep breath, and just feel like he belonged again. He also wanted to hit Steve as hard as he could.

“We need to talk. Now,” Tony said instead of telling Steve exactly that and walked into the room, ignoring Steve’s look, ignoring the gawking SHIELD Agent on the floor. 

“Are you sure? I mean, we…”

“ _You_ don’t get to make that decision, Rogers,” Tony Interrupted Steve, raising his voice. No way, mister, that wouldn’t happen. Tony was angry and disappointed and just so fucking tired, and that was never a good combination. But he would not have his decisions made by Steve Rogers.

“You don’t get to say what hurts me or to… guilt trip me into feeling something you want me to feel or anything like that,” Tony continued, needing to say it. Needing to get it out. He wanted to scream. He even wanted to hit Steve, even if it was futile. 

Steve looked at him, giving him a short nod, and closed the door.

“I didn’t want to guilt trip you, Tony. I never.:.”

“And I never wanted to hear about you fucking my dad. So, shit happens. It wasn’t me that put a fucking ring into the lab after my best friend dropped a random information that my boyfriend should’ve known, even as a fucking side note. It wasn’t me who ran away from everything, putting my chip card on the table and a fucking letter. So, it’s not _me_ who has to explain things, so shut up with what you want and fucking _talk_!” Tony screamed, finally losing it. 

“No one asked me what I wanted in this whole shitty thing!”

Steve sighed and sat in the chair at the table, motioning for Tony to sit down at the bed. He didn’t, not out of spite, but because if he did, he would fall asleep. Let Steve think he was petty, but Tony really couldn’t afford to fall asleep right now.

“I didn’t want to keep it a secret. It just… didn’t seem to be important anymore after a while,” Steve started and then shrugged.

“I actually forgot about it. It was in the past, just like other lovers. Probably the same as with you. Yes, it was a shitty thing to just give you the ring. But it doesn’t feel right to keep something that’s yours, whenever you might want it or not want it. And I won’t lie to you, I hope that one day, you might want that ring. But I am also not an idiot and know that it’s not my right to hope that. I know I lost that chance.”

Tony just deflated a bit as he thought about it. And then finally sitting down on that bed, rubbing over his eyes.

“I don’t think you even know why I am pissed, Steve. It’s not about my father. Not really. It would have been very nice to know, I won’t deny that. It’s a strange feeling. But hell, that was… what? Seventy years ago? Eighty? It doesn’t affect me.”

“... why are you angry, then?” Steve asked, sounding as tired as Tony felt, but sounding strangely honest. Tony couldn’t help himself and laughed, sounding bitter even to his own ears.

“I am a grown adult, Steve. Ever thought that I might want that ring? No, you are only thinking up the scenarios in your head, and then those are the ones that are gonna happen. I can make my own decisions. Sometimes, you will like them. Sometimes not. But I’ve been making my own decisions for the last… let it be thirty-five years. I don’t need to be treated like an idiot. I don’t need to be treated like a child. You could have just… talked to me. Hell, you could have still written that letter and slept on the couch for a few days. But no, you had to make a decision we both hate, trying to be a martyr. Never thinking about the consequences. And I don’t blame you, I am known for rash decisions and for even more stupid ones. But I never, ever made a decision like that for anyone.” Tony said, now sounding tired. He was. The screaming had been good, but now that the anger had left him, Tony was just… tired.

“Have a bit of faith in me that I can manage to think a bit after the first days of anger. Because right now I am only tired and hungover and just… tired. My head is exploding. So, now I am going to let you think about what I said and if you are willing to work on it, on everything, including yourself, including you sometimes being more… Steve than necessary… well, you know where I live. And then we can talk it through. And talk some more. And should we decide, together, that this is a thing we want to keep, we will talk even more with a counsellor. Otherwise we will rip each other apart.”

Tony stood up, slowly, feeling every single day of his age, stopping shortly in front of Steve to put a small kiss on his hair before going home.

It was Steve’s turn now.


	5. Chapter 5

To say it was hard would be the understatement of the year, Steve thought. Probably of the last decade or century. He wasn’t sure. 

He just knew that there was a lot of screaming and yelling. He hadn’t known it was possible to cry that much. Things got thrown and for more than once Steve thought that it would be over now.

It wasn’t. Somehow, they always pulled themselves together. Always ended up talking. Even if it wasn’t with each other but with their therapist. 

On some days, it was living hell. On other days, Steve was on cloud nine, cuddling with Tony and just grateful that it somehow seemed to work. Slowly, those days started to come more often.

It got better, over the months. Good enough that this time, when he pulled the ring out of his jacket and went down on his knee, Tony said yes.

Steve knew it would never be easy, not with how they were. But they could make it work.

~*~*~

Tony was sure that nothing in his life had been harder than the last few months. Not the death of his parents. Not Afghanistan. Not the break up with Pepper. 

Nothing.

He hadn’t known that he could yell as much as he had. That he could scream that much. He hadn’t known how much he could actually cry when he was alone. He hadn’t known how much he could hate himself the first time he actually threw something at Steve, relieved and shocked when the glass broke against the wall.

Tony wouldn’t have been surprised if Steve walked out, more than once. He was surprised that he himself didn’t walk out forever.

But they talked. Not always with each other, some days only through the therapist he had hired.

There were days where Tony just hated existence before he even really woke up. But on other days, it was perfect, cuddling and waking up next to each other, just being happy. They started to come more often. Not every day, because they weren’t machines. But it worked.

It got better, and that was the most important thing. Good enough that when Steve came to the workshop this time with the ring and went down on his knee to propose, Tony said yes.

Tony knew that they would never be perfect- That wasn’t for them, for that they were way too stubborn. But they could make it work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the end! I hope you liked it. It just didn't felt right to put up a happy ending as if it wouldn't have fit.
> 
> For all of you who commented and reached out to me; THANK YOU VERY MUCH <3 You are the best!

**Author's Note:**

> If you have a request, [just visit my Tumblr and drop me a message](https://ruquas.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Also, at the moment it could take me a bit to respond to comments due to heavy anxiety. I can assure you, I read the comment and will get back to you as soon as I can <3


End file.
